Thursday, June 21, 2012

confuddled with clarity

I don't even know if my title makes sense. My brain is full of crap but I have clarity at the moment. The fog that I have been carrying the past few days is again lifting. I spent some time this morning writing. The block I was facing has gone and I see my book's direction again. Thank God I was starting to worry. Writing my book has been a god send. Just when I think things are falling apart at the seams the brief interludes into my writing get me through and rejuvenate my mind.

At first I though i was cured of allowing myself to be brought down and bogged down by life's situations and other peoples problems. So not the case. But I also realized again today that when I say it's not life's situations that determine your path but how you handle them that that's the whole truth.

everyone has problems and situations . Some more than others. But these are my problems and its my blog so I will see them as a big deal even if others don't.

I am worried about a lot of things these days. I worry about money even though its always there when I need it. I worry about my business although it has been surviving through the worst of times. My son graduates next week and I have university to pay for in September with no clue who I will do it but I will do it. I have to work on his scholarships with him and his osap application. He wont get more than 1/3 covered with osap but its better than nothing.
I have five people (family) coming next week for the grad and my house is upside down. I have been so busy. We are in the midst of finding a new agency for our son the child actor and its stressful. we have had a couple of really good offers but we have to meet the #1 kids agent today before we make a final decision. It really hard knowing what to do. They all have merits and they all have downsides. Personalities, internal competition and we have to think long term. from both an emotional and business standpoint. There is one christian loves and I cant keep from thinking maybe that's our answer. But i don't know and I hope after today's meeting I will know. We almost didn't take today's meeting but the universe insisted we do. many things stood in the way of us accepting an offer we thought we were taking. We couldn't ignore the signs.
My aunt passed away two days ago. She had cancer. I am grateful her battle was only six weeks though. It could have been a much longer painful process for her. The outcome was inevitable as the cancer was in her brain, her spine and her lungs. When she was admitted in the hospital the found she had already broken two vertebrae and had shrunk in height a few inches and she had lost her sight in one eye due to a crushed cornea. I did drive home to visit her for a few day. It was a two day drive there and back that I would do again and I have no regrets. I chose to stay home for the funeral as I said my good byes when I last saw her. I knew I was saying good bye the last time I left the hospital. The said thing is I think the night before the last time I saw her she did too. She squeezed my hand in a way that said volumes. The last night she was a little more quiet and I think a bit irritated by her situation but we had that moment the night before that I will carry forever in my heart.
I bought her a new pillow for the bed and a body pillow for comfort. I was so happy that I could offer her some comfort even if it was just a little bit. I also brought her her favorite Chinese food dish and made her a lobster sandwich. She loved both and I felt like a million bucks watching her eat them. I really did mean everything to me to be able to offer her something that she really enjoyed.

My brother and his wife are suffering through a nasty patch. they have a little girl and i worry about all of them. I spoke to a friend yesterday that did make me feel a bit bit better. Its something many kids have witnessed and they make out just fine. I will hold on to that moving forward. Maybe I should send her a message thanking her for the words of wisdom. she deserves to feel good as she made me feel better.

My sons grad party is on Canada day and my niece decided to hold her sons third birthday party the same time. I am not sure why she did that. It hurts a bit because my son who is graduating is such a great kid and its a bit of a snub to him. Maybe my niece wasn't thinking that way but as a mom I do. she is thinking of her son. Which I get but honestly a kids birthday party have it the day before. People never have their kids party on the day. The usually have it on the Saturday closest. Even if the birthday is a holiday. My birthday is Christmas day I have never had a birthday party on my birthday . Its a small thing but added to everything else its just one more thing.

I feel so much better getting this out and getting some more work done on my book. I think the next few weeks it'll be hard to get too far involved into my writing but I have to sneak it in here and there for my sanity.

So I know anyone reading this might thing blah blah cry me a river but this is my blog and I do this for me in place of a journal. I am okay sharing my thoughts because I want to be real with the world. real with myself and hold back nothing. Its a welcomed change in me. I bottle things up and then explode. At least if I clear my thoughts by emptying them onto the web i wont cry them around and I wont explode.
The weather is perfect today. I have to do a bit of house cleaning and get my bubba ready for his last interview. Things will get better I know it and after writing my thoughts I am feeling better already! I am going to send my friend that message NOW

Saturday, June 16, 2012

The Perfect Amount of Cheese!

I am a bit frustrated today. I can't seem to start chapter 4. I have been editing and rewriting my first three chapters here and there for the past week. I think I need to listen to my little voice inside and consider changing some things about my plot. I know the ideas I have are good but I cant seem to put it on paper without it holding a cheese factor that I am not happy with. A bit of cheese is okay in my book but I haven't been able to come up with a lead in without the right amount of cheese yet.

I have already had one of the characters in this story line scream at me that she must be the subject of my next story. Part of me wonders if I should start on that book now since she won't leave my head and hope through writing that story I can get back in the grove and get the first book completed.

Because I am famous for never finishing something I start I am a bit afraid to start the second book. What if that sends me into a tailspin and I then start a third book before finishing either of the first two. I am not sure what I should do. Everything is telling me to start the second story. Well everything except that little feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that says not a good idea. I should probably listen to the feeling in my pit. I think its the sixth sense that often gets ignored and then I will be wondering down the road why I didn't listen to my gut.

On a personal note I spent last night at Niagara Falls watching the daredevil Nick Wallenda walk the tightrope across the falls. It was a pretty cool thing to witness. Between the crowds of people and the mist it was hard for me to see much of it though. I had hoped to watch it on TV when I got home on the western channel but I couldn't stay awake long enough. I am sure I will be able to catch it online somewhere when I get a chance.

Heading to Toronto later today for an overnight trip. Again there will be crazy mobs of people in town for the Much Music Video awards. My teenage daughter and her friend have a special bracelet that will get her special access close to the stage. I will be with my 7 year old waiting in a hotel room. There is no way I am hanging around down there all night.

Maybe I will start writing chapter 4 cheese and all and extract it during editing. I have considered sending an email to one of my favorite authors for advice. if anyone has any suggestions I am all ears.
Have a great day!

Saturday, June 9, 2012


It's funny that this would be my title for today's post considering the title I chose for my last one. I am actually literally hoping it doesn't rain. We are currently running a concession tent for a local 5 day long charity event. My daughter's cheer team is also volunteering time to do a car wash at the event as well. They raised around $1000.00 last year doing the event and I hope they will do that again this year. hence please don't rain.

As i had previously stated in my last blog this is the method that I have chosen to share and document my first book writing journey as I have noticed this process has changed me in so many ways. i am a better wife , mother, and friend. I am trying to be a good sister but that's a bit difficult for me right now. But that is a whole other story. Not my story to tell publically. I believe as long as i remain true to myself and do whats right for the right reasons that situation will work itself out where I am concerned.

As far as my book I am a bit behind my own little schedule in my mind. I have not picked any magic date for completion or publishing house submission but my internal gut feeling tells me when I have not put forth enough effort to feel satisified. Sometimes when I get a bit of writing done I know I am ready to put it down because I get the feeling of complete peace wash over me. It wraps me in a blanket of warmth and love. It's what it would feel like to eat real ambrosia from the Gods. Not those crappy colored mini marshmallow and cream squares that people bring to baby showers but the real thing. I just know it.

Yesterday I did spend around a half hour writing a few lines. It was a section in the book that had bothered me everytime I ready it but never realized it had to fixed until yesterday. So I do feel better that I have that done.

There is another reason i am a bit hesitent to keep adding pages of content to my book which is the computer that I used to store my info on. At first I was using a couple of different computers. Saving my pages and emailing them to myself. i had a copy in the computer and a copy in my email. I could continue writing on skydirve through my email. for some reason I took a liking to a beat up old laptop that my son broght home one day. It was a free score. There was a reason besides missing the power cord someone donated this laptop to the school electronics drive. They collected old electronics for scrap. They had collected a boatload of stuff and were paid per pound. My son brought home a couple working cell phones and this particular laptop. I should not have stored anything on that laptop without emailing myself a back up. Live and learn. Now I cant connect to the internet on it nor can I save anyting to a memory stick. I fear if I try to print it , it wont connect to a printer either. I think I need to start writing on a different computer and saving to memory stick. My girlfriend suggested I get a small computer , maybe a net book for just me. We have . Technically we have an ipad a playbook seven laptops and two desk tops at home and three desk tops at work. It is kind of crazy that I get something else but my 7 year old always plays games on the good laptops and friggs up the keys and they become sticky and in some cases have popped off. Two of the laptops belong to my teens and they dont like to share. Plus its really not fair to them. I will figure it out. If I have to copy what I have on the broken computer it will be a good part of the editing and revision process. Everything happens for a reason which is why I am not too upset. BUT I still want to be smart about future work. I think today I will work on chapter 5 in my downtime at the event and save it to the computer I am on now and save it to my stick.
I think intead of writing perfect chapters i should try to get them all outlined and partially written. I would feel so amazing if I can complete the entire book in rough and go back and perfect and add to it.
I have never done this before. I have never taken any formal training on story writing or book writing. I am doing what seems natural right now. I have read enough books thats for sure. Now that I am writing my own though I am not interested in reading anyone elses stories at the moment. I have noticed while on goodreads author pages they do not have a huge list of books on thier read list. I think its becasue they rather create thier own than read someone elses. Not that reading someone elses isn't wonderful but your heart wont be in it. I will read again but maybe not until I finish my next two books.
There is another thing nagging me in the back of my brain. Sometimes I come up with something whitty and then after a reading it back a few times I start to wonder if I wrote that or did I get it from another book I read. Its not intentional but it happens .

So my 7 yr old is bugging  me right now to get him dressed . He wants to get to the charity event now. He has been pretty patient but he is about to lose it. So I better wrap up. I may or may not be back here today . I will post when I feel its necessary.
Have a great Day!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Found my sunny day!

So I am pretty excited today. I have started my first blog! I am a new author and I am writing my first book. Its a romantic comedy and I am stoked beyond belief. My plan is to have my book published in 2013. I am aiming for 80,000-100,000 k word novel. I am currently around a quarter of the way there.
I dedided a few weeks ago that I wanted to try to write a book. I played around with some plot ideas but it all seemed a bit cheesy. Last Wednesday night I was messaging a friend and it came to me. Any idea for a story line. I felt it was right and I went with it. I didnt know what type of writer I would be until I started with the story line. I am all over the place as I heard many authors are. I started with chapter 1 and fliped to the last chapter. I did sime f two and three and then I did my epilogue. I stil have lots to finish in the last chapter but I can tell you I love it so far and its all tying in brilliantly. Who knew? I am an author and it is my calling. I finally found my purpose in life. I have no doubt at all that my efforts will pay off and I will be published. My second book is a spinnoff and the idea came to me out of the blue. Book one is a first person romantic comedy and book 2 will be more serious content but a bit edgier and in 3rd person. I wont get into my book details as thestoryline is pretty specific. I will say my title is Finding Mr. Darcy or How I found my Mr. Darcy. Its very late and I had a strange day today. I dint work on much of my book today but I did get a bit in early this morning. There is a lot I want to share through out my journey including the changes in me as a result of finding my way here. This is my passion and my hidden talent . This is the missing part of me I knew existed but took me 41 years to find. I am greatful to be here now . Listen to the lyrics for Amazing Grace. Its my theme song. Well that and Springsteens Waiting on a sunny day. I found my sunny day and I am an author. I promise my blog will be better next time I post. I wont be half asleep but I comitted to strating this today so here I am. I have no fans or followers. I havent invited anyone to read it yet . Once I feel I have some content I will actually tell my friends to check it out. Sharing the journey will give me amazing pleasure. If it gets read by anyone in cyberspace is not the point though. This is for me from me. But I do welcome anyone who needs inspiration to join me sometimes. I will be honest despite what may be popular and unpopular, You can trust that fact ! Goodnight